“Take that, evil doer!” shouted Sally as she kicked the air in front of her. Someday, she was gonna get super powers, she just knew it. And she would be a hero, not a villain - and no one would make fun of her anymore. Because everyone knew people who got super powers also got prettier - it was, like, in the rules or something.
“Sally, get in here,” her mother called.
Sally sighed and went into the house. She pulled up on her pants and tugged down on her shirt after seeing her reflection in the sliding glass door. Her stupid belly had been showing again. Ugh, when would it go away? She plopped herself down at the dining room table. Her mom had already put out the Super Crunch Cookie cereal, milk, bowl and spoon.
“Look at you,” her mother said. “You are a mess.” She looked over her daughter’s hair. “Is that grass in your hair? God, what am I gonna do with you? We have to be to church in twenty minutes. It isn’t enough time to get you into the shower.”
Sally grabbed the cereal box. “I can stay home, mom. I have more practice today, anyhow.”
As she poured her cereal, her mom tutted and turned back into the kitchen. “You know only two boxes of that cereal are going to have the Super Hero Serum. And frankly, you’re not gonna get it. There are too many pimply, fat, nerds buying cases of that cereal.”
And then, it happened. Sally couldn’t believe her eyes. A small blue plastic vial dropped into her cereal. She screamed and jumped up out of her chair, knocking it over and banging into the dining table. “Ha! What do you say now, Mom?”
Now no one was going to be able to push Sally around. This was probably the happiest she had been in her entire life. Sally was surprised to find her mom rushing towards her, hands outstretched. Her mother yanked at the potion, trying to get it away from her. “Mooom!” shouted Sally as she tugged back.
“You can’t take that!” her mother shouted.
Sally managed to yank it free. “Like hell I can’t!” She ran out of the room with the vial of potion in her hands, making the floor shake with her steps.
“But we could be rich!” her mother yelled after her.
Sally locked herself into the bathroom. Her mom pounded on the door. “Sally, no! Don’t! We could be millionaires. Hell, billionaires! You can buy whatever you want!”
“I’ll be famous, mom!” Sally shouted back. “I’ll buy you your own mansion and everything.” She uncorked the bottle and chugged it down. It burned on the way down and she could actually feel it hit her stomach. She wanted to barf but forced herself not to. Why would anyone barf up the Super Hero Serum?!
Sally stared at herself in the mirror, sucking in her cheeks and stomach. “Come on, come on,” she said. Her mother was still banging on the door when the first hair showed up on her chin. In a matter of seconds, her face was covered in fur and the rest of her body was growing a dark brown fur. It pushed at her clothes, snapping buttons and tearing seams. A giant tail started to push out of her jeans.
Her teeth started to grow out and her nose shrunk back into a black little thing. It hurt, it hurt so bad. She curled up on the floor, crying. Her mother had stopped pounding on the door.
“Honey, what’s going on?” her mother said quietly at the door.
Sally forced herself up onto her feet and opened the bathroom door. Her mother screamed.
“I’m a fucking squirrel,” Sally said.
Her mother did not respond with her usual quip of “language!” to Sally’s swear. Instead, she said “Fuck” in response.
“Now, what? How do I fight crime as a squirrel? How do I go to school as a squirrel?” Sally was crying. She wasn’t the glamourous superhero she wanted to be. She was supposed to get blond and superskinny and get a skin-tight black costume with a red sash. She was supposed to be able to beat up all the stupid jerks who had been making fun of her since middle school.
“Well, um,” her mom said. “What about a singing career? I mean, anyone can do that - you just have to be pretty. And, well, while squirrel isn’t pretty, it is at least unique and interesting.”
Sally clicked her giant teeth together. “I could totally do better than Brittany Spears!” She wiggeld her bottom, shaking her tail and started to sing: Don’t you know that you’re toxic.” Sally smiled and bounced around the house. She may not look like anyone that a guy would want to date, but now, at least, she looked like someone who was going to have enough money to get any date she wanted. That’d show stupid Billy. She wouldn’t buy him a car...well, maybe she would - she’d had a crush on Billy since the third grade.
Here come the big times for Squirrel Girl!